Come back here, I'll f**king have you...

Saturday. Midnight. I'd just put the phone down. That's it, time for bed.

Outside there's a mighty BANG, so I go to check it out.

There's 3 lads running down the road and a bottle of beer fizzing away on the neighbour's lawn; so I quickly go to check the cars.

Both of my motors are OK but my housemate's has a fresh dent in the tailgate. Don't ask me why, but for some reason I had golf ball in my hand - I launched it at the head of the last of the fleeing w*nkers, and... and... Bollocks! Missed!


Good God, I must look *really* frightening in a white army PT vest and boxers and not exactly prepared for a hot pursuit... and with more bottles smashed on the road I ran in to grab... strides, footwear, keys, phone, cuddly toy...

I call the cops and leg it after the little b*st*rds but they're out of sight.

I search most of the neighbourhood, but no joy.

The cops turn up, they grab the bottle for evidence, take a statement and leave me to it.

So I go off again for another look. I clock this lad, about 17, wobbling, pissed, looks like one of the same bunch... he doesn't spot me so I tail him up the road. At a street corner he turns and sees me, about 50 yards away, and continues 'round the corner, out of sight for a now... I LEG IT, get to the corner... he's gone. Totally disappeared.

Bollocks! Again.

2am, time for bed. No, really.