Lamo Lamo Pizza Co

Bank Holiday Monday...

It's hot, I'm lazy, I fancy a pizza but need to just call for a delivery... So I rummage through the vast selection of junk mail that squeezes through my door every week in the local "fast food war" - You think I'm joking? Well there's Rocco's, Perfect Pizza, Domino's, Herbie's, Pizza Chicken Hot 4 U, The Chandni, McChina Wok Away, It's Pizza Time, blah blah blah, oh, and Pizza Presto... "Truly, Madly, Deeply, Italian" Remember that one, I may be asking questions.

I decide to give the local operation a try out and see what they're like... Hmmm... Pizza Presto... I'm sure my mate M said they were good, I'll try them...

So this girl answers the phone, like, and takes my order, like, and says that it'll be, like, 50 minutes right? Yeah, OK, it's bank holiday so I can wait, I got beer...

The pizza delivery bike turns up 50 minutes later and the guy sits at the end of my drive, looking quite literally like a bell-end with his skid-lid perched on top of his head. At the same time the doorbell rings. How did he do that?

There's *another* pizza delivery "boy" at my door... That means two 6' tall guys have just zipped from one end of town to my place (about 4/5 miles) on a piddly 50cc scooter !!!

Anyway, this guy just stands there with these pizza boxes...

Lever: "...So, do you want to see my card, get me to sign something?"
Pizza Man: Unintelligible Grunt
Lever: "OK, give me the ticket, I'll sign it"
Pizza Man: Barely Audible Murmur
Lever: "There's no obvious place to sign it, No *Customer Signature_____* line; where do you want me to sign it?"
Pizza Man: Mumble "Sign"
Lever: "Yes, I know, but which one do you want me to sign?"
Pizza Man: Click, whistle, whir "sign"

Fuck me, Westworld better come get this one back, I think it's blown a fuse...

Lever: "OK, stupido, I'll sign both, I'll let you work out which one to hand back" Presents paperwork to foreign fool. And waits...

Long Pause...

Lever: "Well, can I have my stuff now? You're just standing there like a schmuck and my dinner's getting cold."
Pizza Man: Grunt
Lever: "Oh for fuck's sake just give it here." and swiftly removes the savoury burden from Neanderthal man's elongated arms.
Lever: "Thankyou very much. So where's my receipt?"
Pizza Man: "You want receipt?"

Jesus, it *does* speak English!

Lever: "Yes, I want a receipt, that's what I said didn't I?"

Pizza-down Man fumbles paperwork and looks quizzically at the two items of long-since processed wood-pulp with print & signatures on...

Lever: "Look, just stop pissing around and give me the top copy"
Pizza Man: "You want top copy?"
Lever: "Yes, I want top copy. Give it here!" and grabs strip of paper from our new court jester.

After all that I felt sorry for him and give him a tip...

Lever: "Sod off, you imbecile, and don't come back!"

Slams door on another chapter of idiocy.

So these are the ones "contributing to our economy" huh? Like what? Express delivery of coronary heart disease, clogged arteries and obesity in a box?

It's OK, I was good; with my hypocrisy I took a side order of salad... Looks good doesn't it? It's a "Presto Salad" - Feta Cheese, tomatoes, green pepper, red onions, cucumber and parsley...

But what I got was this... The "DIY salad"... The lazy git of a "chef" couldn't be bothered to make it even look good... and they didn't give me any instructions on what to do with it next ;) Sorry, Pizza Presto, a big fat zero out of ten for presentation! Oh, and the crust was the tastiest part of the bland old pizza!

So they're "Truly, Madly, Deeply, Italian" are they?

Truly terrible, Madly delivered, Deeply disturbing and about as Italian as Irkutsk!

If I get round to complaining, I dearly hope they don't give me vouchers for any more of their crap.

Oh, and remind me never to trust M's taste in food again... Afterall, he does have a fridge full of Fosters Lager!