Dear South West Trains

You're crap
You're really crap
Did you know that?

Yes, I expect you did, I just wanted to remind you incase you'd forgotten your duties to contribute to the continued "improvement" of the train services in this country; After being awake and travelling for over 22 hours yours was the most piss poor experience of my whole journey.

1) Your bus-to-train station "timetable" at Heathrow Airport was useless - yes, 9:10 and 9:45 but which stop? I was at stops 1-6 but there are around 20 others... which one is it? Please, just a hint... Although it would be nice to go to Bristol or Edingburgh, I'd like to be back in Farnborough just this once...

2) The same said timetable was in a reception area with an office that was... CLOSED.

3) The same reception area had numerous public phones and yet your timetable had only a web address... yes, I have my notebook and wireless, but I'm damned if I'm getting it out just to see if there's a hotspot just to look up your website...

4) So I had to use my phone's crappy web service (yes, O2, you suck some too, and especially now that you're allegedly selling out to Telefonico... Abbey, Rover, Rover again, Rolls Royce, TVR and now O2, whoever will Britain sell it's homegrown to next...?) to find a provider and search for your number. I eventually found it, called you and got a time; and that was it. Thanks! You're still crap.

5) I found some guy wondering round the terminal in a National Express fluorescent jacket. YES, it was *their* office that was shut but at least he knew more about *your* service than YOU did. He directed me to an unpainted white coach, saying that was the RailAir service to Woking train station. How come the Reading service gets painted, highly visible coaches and Woking doesn't? I know I'm a guy and it's a visual thing, but that would ghave given me a clue... oh, and the coach was at Bus Stop 4. Just incase anybody else asks, OK? ;)

6) That coach, yeah, the all-white one?... Fix the fucking brakes OK? Your driver stopped after ten minutes because he said the brakes were binding and pulling to the left. He thought it was unsafe to drive and pulled up at the next bus stop to let us off. The suits all groaned & got miserable (haha) but I thanked your driver for his concern and waited patiently for your next coach.

7) Your #2 coach was also white and unmarked

8) Your #2 coach was obviously driven by someone with a taste for tropical weather. The heat was on full blast and almost unbearable. But I wore a t-shirt and the suits sweated... so I'll let you off that one ;)

9) Woking train station - Your ticket machine wouldn't accept notes. You suck, OK?

10) The "permit to travel" machine was also broken.

11) I queued for 15 minutes to get a ticket.

12) Your timetable said the next train to Farnborough was platform 1. When I got to platform 1, the digital sign showed the next train was to London. That's north. I wanted to go south. I asked a guard and he said platform 5 - that's where the timetable directed me to platform 5. Hahaha - thanks, FUCKERS!

13) Ooops, the signals weren't working at Fleet, so any poor bastard awaiting to get off there would have to go to Winchfield, jump off, go to the other platform and thenget the next train northbound. Sort it out!

I'm home now and I have put down my heavy luggage after a wonderful four weeks in the USA with the girl of my dreams. I've had some sleep and a few days to reflect, and you know what, South West Trains?

YOU SUCK!!

PS: You're nearly as bad as those chumps @ U-Haul, and U-Haul Suck too!

PPS: If it ain't broke, don't privatise it.