Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I know it's the last day of May, but I really need to get my Christmas list in a little bit early this year and I thought that, because you're an amiable old dude and seeing as it's summertime, and all that, you'd want something to do. So I've got some things lined up to keep you busy :)

OK, firstly, I'd really like one of these for the end of my little garden. Yes, it's a log cabin, and seeing as it probably comes from your part of the world I figured it'd be easier & cheaper to ask you nicely for one rather than me buying it, what with the mortgage and credit cards and all that :)

I'd like to put a nice comfy sofa and my studio gear in there, along with my mountain bike & BMX so that I make room to get my poor old classic car in the garage. Oh, and it'd be really good if you can find one of those "beware of the dog" signs for the door, so that if BBFK ever gets mad at me I can really "be in the doghouse" ;) That's why the oh-so-cool ladder and loft space too are needed so that I can unroll my sleeping bag and crash there for the night. Let me know how much head room there is though, please, 'cos I've been in the bottom bunk before and it sucks when you forget the low head-height and bang your cannister.

Secondly ('cos you're throwing in the "beware of the dog" sign, right?) you'll be saving my ass with one of these. No, really. You see, my old mountain bike is a hardtail, i.e. no rear suspension. Plus it's one of those sports geometry ones - great for short runs, quick single track and general all-round local nuttiness, but on a long trail... Ow! I put a carbon fibre seat post on it to dampen the impact, but my poor buttocks...

This little baby, however, is a Specialized FSR XC Comp, full suspension, hydraulic discs and er... it's all finished in nice red paintwork, 'cos that makes it go faster, as did making your hands go all flat & pointy when you ran at school so you could be aerodynamic & streamlined, like, and karate chop your way through the air and win :) Like I said, you'll really be saving my ass - I don't wanna end up having farmer giles or anything ;)

And lastly, I don't really need this, I'll admit it, it's most definitely an object of desire as opposed to a genuine need, but to make a nice round number (3 is rounded. 2 is sort of a bit rounded and 1... nah! As for 4? Well you can forget that, 3 is the business and a classic number for wishes) we have to have a 3rd item (you're throwing in the sign with the cabin, remember?) So, yes, how about one of these please? :) A nice little Canon EOS 350D. I don't know why I want this as much as I need the cabin and the bike, but some people keep rubbing it in ;)

So, I still have a packet of last year's mince pies and a bottle of port you can have, (tawny not ruby) plus there's some potatoes for your reindeer. I know they prefer carrots but I don't have any right now, but if it's a problem just let me know and in return for making all my wishes come true I'll get Rudolph & Co some of those orange pointy vegetables :)

Oh, and failing all this I'll willing swap the aforementioned three wishes if you could ship my BBFK over, pronto like; I have... er... a few things I need her to attend to, seeing as it's been a year since we first met, and we have a nice bottle of Russian bubbly that's been in the fridge since the New Year. You can have a glass of that, plus the port and potatoes if you get the girl safely to Farnborough :)

Thanks.

P.S. Do you have a starter motor for a Buick V8?