Vapour Trails

Passing jets and Vapour Trails. Shiny steel tubes full of travellers, suited and booted or destined for more leisurely pursuits?

• Where've they come from?
• Where are they going?
• What are they reading?
• What are they thinking?
• Can they see us?
• What's for lunch?
• What's that smell?
• Is the movie any good?
• Do they have a good seat?
• Where next?
• Who Knows?
  

Shopping

• The guy in the phone shop didn't know which car charger I needed for my Motorola V635, plus...
  
  a) He couldn't get the adaptor in
  b) He couldn't get the adaptor out
  
  I don't think he has a girlfriend (I wonder why)
  
  
• The sports shop has a distinct entrance and an exit...
  
  The entrance is up an escalator on one side of the shop...
  
  The exit is down a set of stairs on the other side of the shop...
  
  On the way in it was quiet...
  
  On the way out they played a little jingle... "Welcome to JJB Sports"... ???
  
  

I kept it up for a whole 10 minutes!

And that's not bad considering that's the first time in years...

Well OK, that's not totally true, this was the Xth attempt of the day... in a very short space of time... I had to keep stopping and get my breath back.

The initial burst was about 30 seconds... it nearly killed me.
Maybe I was going too fast.
I tried again; 40 seconds...
Fighting for air
My god, how *do* people manage this every single day?
Heart pounding
So I had another bash...
And another...
Was it the heat?
Was I expecting too much of myself?
Maybe I was pushing too hard, I should take it easy...
And then
At last
Oh joy
Oh bliss
Must have looked like an old codger at it
Nice and slow
Ah, that's better
Find my rythm
That's good
Take it easy...

And, like I said, I kept it up for a whole 10 minutes.

And now I ache. It hurts where it's not hurt in years...

Oh, the things I do *tsk* And all because I was asked nicely to remind her, to get her up for it every other morning...

It will either kill me or cure me!

Moments in time...

Some moments in time from this weekend...

• Scariest Moment
  
  Getting my digital camera clumsily knocked out of my grasp and seeing it bounce off the floor...


• Most Expensive Moment
  
  Finding out the same said digital camera doesn't work anymore.


• Cheekiest Moment
  
  Allowing a very sexy girl to offer me a review of a movie I'd already seen (Star Wars III)


• Most Exciting Moment
  
  Realising there was a black leather reclining chair in my hotel room


• Most Disappointing moment
  
  Not having aforementioned very sexy girl share, also aforementioned, black leather reclining chair with me.


• Honoured Moment
  
  Getting called up in the Groom's wedding speech to collect a trophy.


• Embarrasing Moment
  
  Getting same said trophy for the stag weekend's Best Crash (in the hovercraft)


• Panic Moment
  
  Finding "no signal" on the cellphone and not enough change in my pocket/not having my credit cards with me to make important call from a callbox (at 2am Saturday night/Sunday morning)


• Justifiably lazy Moment
  
  Being mostly-comatose after a "skinful" and not picking up the cellphone when it vibrated at 6:49am on the Sunday morning.


• Funniest Moment
  
  In lobby of hotel at wedding reception... Groom speaking to friend...
  
  Groom: "Where's your car?"
  Friend, with perplexed look on face: "Outside"
  

Have you lot had any good moments this weekend?

Milk Comes from Cows

Just thought I'd tell you that, incase you didn't know...

Look, I have the documentation to prove it...



...so there you have it; "Milk comes from cows."

The intellect behind this ground-breaking piece of research, published in around 1978, is thought to be a young scholar by the name of Little Lever.

Unfortunately the footnote scrawl, from what I can only assume to be a fellow academic, does detract somewhat from the value of this rare document as it appears on virtually every page of the delightful manuscript.

25 years - A Tribute

R.I.P. Ian Curtis (15 July 1956-18 May 1980)



What more can I say? *hat off & bows*

"Atmosphere" - Joy Division

Walk in silence,
Don’t walk away, in silence.
See the danger,
Always danger,
Endless talking,
Life rebuilding,
Don’t walk away.

Walk in silence,
Don’t turn away, in silence.
Your confusion,
My illusion,
Worn like a mask of self-hate,
Confronts and then dies.
Don’t walk away.

People like you find it easy,
Naked to see,
Walking on air.
Hunting by the rivers,
Through the streets,
Every corner abandoned too soon,
Set down with due care.
Don’t walk away in silence,
Don’t walk away.

And now, the picture round...

OK, so you know I had nothing to do this weekend apart from work... so to fill the space here's the picture round... 5 points to the person who can tell me what this is...

Bizarre Freebies...

Does anyone else think this is a bit odd...?

This was in a stationery brochure I got sent... "Make an order TODAY and you get a FREE PICNIC HAMPER"... WhoTF am I gonna take out for a picnic? And get this...

"Order 2 or more HP inkjet cartridges and get a FREE BADMINTON SET" ???? WTF ??? That, to my mind, is just odd, man! I mean, you can buy a DVD player and get some free movies thrown in, a new PC and they'll let you have a free TFT screen, but Inkjet cartridges and badminton set???

Though saying that, I was tempted to order the brother MFC620CN Inkjet Flatbed Multifunction (Printer, copier, scanner, fax, photocapture centre; USB and network ready) so that I could get my paws on the "FREE Executive leather faced massage chair"... woohoo, leather AND massage... sounds fantastic... but WTF am I gonna do with that damned MFC620CN? Hmmm, I can only think of photocopying my butt!

Break Stuff

OK, today I admit it

Everything fucking Sucks

Not one to normally ever admit defeat, today, folks, for one day only, I just plain give in.

Technical issues have plagued the company I work for and virtually every job over the last couple of weeks. Nothing seems to have gone smoothly. This week the technical issues have continued...

The workload doesn't help either, with the normal jobs, inefficient systems and no budget to upgrade to the 21st century, the schedule is slipping; and slipping by days now, many days, not the usual hours that can be made up by an extra hour in the morning, a few in the evening. 14 hour days anyone?

Then there's running a business on the side. That workload is increasing and the knock-on effect of the day-job compounds the issue. To add to that my developer has gone AWOL for a couple of days...

And did I mention the shit-hot graphic designer friend who I personally referred to a client? He went AWOL too. And not for a couple of days or weeks, that *may* be acceptable, but a couple of months with absolutely NO communication at all... He got spotted in the supermarket the other day by a mutual friend and they said he was "evasive"... HIGHLY OFFENSIVE PERSONAL COMMENT REMOVED

And then there's the Royal Mail... what's so fucking Royal about it? The post usually arrives at about 8 o'clock but it's gone 11am and there's fuck all here - just a post van parked in the road and no trotskyite to be seen.

Talking about the fucking Royal fucking Mail, it costs $30 to send a package to the UK via USPS, but send the same weight back and it costs $70. Work that out! Oh, and Trading Standards should hear about you regal Fucktards too... my digital scales showed 2.006 kilos not your fucking well-out 2.1kgs. Arseholes!

11:30 And just to prove a point they just put someone else's mail through my door.

Did I say Fucktards? Yes I think I did.

And even the beautiful sensuous sounds on my latest "a taste of..." compilation CD don't seem to be having any effect... I'm too tired and pissed off to calm down right now >:| Maybe someone's got some morphine?

I'm too tired, I'm so sick and tired...
...and I'm feeling very sick and ill today...
...oh the devil will find work for idle hands to do...

But the sun's shining... whoopee fuckin do!
I think I'll go and break something.

Currently listening to: "Break Stuff" - Limp Bizkit

Its just one of those days
When you don't wanna wake up
Everything is fucked, everybody sucks.

You don't really know why
But you want justify
Rippin' someone's head off

No human contact
And if you interact
Your life is on contract
Your best bet is to stay away motherfucker!

It's just one of those days!!

[chorus]
Its all about the he says, she says bullshit
I think you better quit
Lettin' shit slip
Or you'll be leavin with a fat lip.
Its all about the he says she says bullshit
I think you better quit talkin that shit
(Punk, so come and get it)

Its just one of those days
Feelin' like a freight train
First one to complain
Leaves with a blood stain
Damn right I'm a maniac
You better watch your back
Cuz I'm fuckin' up your program
And if your stuck up
You just lucked up
Next in line to get fucked up
Your best bet is to stay away motherfucker
Its just one of those days!!

[chorus]

I feel like shit
My suggestion is to keep your distance cuz right now im dangerous.
We've all felt like shit
And been treated like shit
All those motherfuckers that want to STEP UP
I hope you know I pack a chain saw
I'll skin your ass raw
And if my day keeps goin' this way I just might break somethin' tonight...
I hope you know I pack a chain saw
I'll skin your ass raw
And if my day keeps goin' this way I just might break somethin' tonight...
I pack a chain saw
I'll skin your ass raw
And if my day keeps goin' this way I just might break your fuckin' face tonight!!

Give me somethin' to break
Give me somethin' to break
Just give me somethin' to break
How bout your fuckin' face?

I hope you know I pack a chain saw, what!!...
A chain saw, what!!...
A motherfuckin' chainsaw, what !!
So come and get it!!

[chorus]

OK, I don't pack a chainsaw, but that feels better getting that off my chest...

And no, *you* don't suck... Love and peace y'all :D xxx

Oh, so, now I run a Child Delivery Clinic...

OK. So, amidst all the phone bills and letters promising to (finally) upgrade my broadband speed (to 2Mb at no cost), and apart from the really fucking awful cover of the latest Computer Arts magazine (I'm sorry, artist person who spent time doing this, but IMHO I think it's ugly. And the mag's picture editor should know better too), the letters from DROA demanding I renew my domain registrations with them (I think NOT) the only other item of interest to land on the doorstep this morning was an official invoice looking letter from Prague. Weird - I don't deal with anyone in Prague. Anyway, it turns out that it's from some International Trade & Business Directory...

Apparently they've got my business lined up for an ad in their directory, and all I have to do is part with the meagre sum of GBP395.00...

...except they've got my "web & graphic design" business filed under "Child Delivery Clinics"?

"Child Delivery Clinics"? WTF? No, I don't know either :\

Lever's Log - Stardate 20050507

I love having a skim through my webserver logs just to have a good chuckle at the search phrases that got people to this blog. Some of them totally make sense, but others...

FEBRUARY

• illegal bikinis (sorry I don't sell that sort of merchandise here)
  
• parkour girls (mmm)
  
• oooh! (aaah!)
  
• bad man zees from jamaica (is he?)
  
• hymns for farmers uk (Oi, none of that mullarkey round here mate)
  
• throwing snails (it was slugs actually, but that'll do)
  
• orbital new age travellers (wow, intergalactic hippies huh?)
  

MARCH

• rachel bilsons hair (what about Rachel Bilson's hair?)
  
• totp sucks (yes it does)
  
• mean bollox (have I?)
  
• abercrombie & fitch spotting jeans fake (LOL)
  
• zuel dana (it's OK I found the gatekeeper)
  
• cattleprod farnborough (or bomb Farnborough, either will do)
  
• lentil nightmare (Ah, looking for Neil the Hippy aye?)
  
• fake diamonds plastic bling glue dozen (I admire your taste NOT)
  
• beer is food stickers (I'll have some too when you find them)
  
• faded jeans assholes (hahaha, I mean seriously hahahahahaha)
  
• you know i m on fire when you come (mmmm sexy! I like *you* already)
  
• darryl jenifer bass strings (he uses 4 I reckon)
  
• jonathan davies opinion on head leaving korn (what, he commented on here?!)
  
• cliches about positive thinking (well it could've been worse...)
  
• speed of a ninja (ah, now is that your standard ninja or your blackline ninja?)
  

APRIL

• rachel bilsons hair (again! - look, she's not here mate, she's gone home)
  
• carl barat sleazy (probably)
  
• carl barat pants (you won't find those here)
  
• flying slug (sounds like either a pub or a train...)
  
• bendy lady (oh yeah, and who's that then? I really must meet her)
  
• mugged chavs (WTF could/would you mug a chav for? A beating yes, but a mugging no)
  
• fun cycling bracknell (fun + Bracknell in the same phrase? - don't fink so)
  
• what bass did darryl jenifer play? (a mean one)
  
• true blue great danes in ok (er... OK)
  
• mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (that's what I thought)
  
• world biggest turd (Hahaha)
  
• costumes for rats (What, you're talking 'em to a fancy dress party?)
  
• video previews of crutches (what, walking aids? now *that's* a fetish... )
  
• assholes by faded jeans (that's BUY; B-U-Y)
  
• spells to make it sunny (you're cool whoever you are)
  
• hank marvin bust (try eBay)
  
• female poledancers (what? like there's anything *but* female poledancers. Dork!)
  

MAY (so far)

• julius ceasar and the coin flip (???)
  
• what is happening to our blue skies (well, when it rains they get cloudy and go sort of dark or white/grey duh!)
  
• what is cockney rhyming slang to do with the seaside (I don't know, what is cockney rhyming slang to do with the seaside?)
  
• blue bacon wash (sounds apetizing - or is that some sort of new shower gel?)

People and their inquisitive minds - don't ya just love 'em? :D

Hello Moto...

Not being a dedicated follower of fashion meant having the same old mobile phone for about 3+ years; you know - the 'old faithful' Motorola V50, once cool & tiny (compared to other phones) but most recently falling out of favour with the peer group. Well, that was OK 'cos nobody else had one, and besides; I don't care :p Ha, anyway, just what *is* cool? Different or all the same?

Anyways, it withstood the tide of modernity until 3 recent incidents...

1) The question of "what was L S Lowry's former career?" came up on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" the other week (pronounced "miw-yon-aire" as in "This time next year, Rodney, we'll be miwwionaires" ). I knew the answer, lightning fast, and knew I was in with a chance... the V50 won't let you text the answer "D" to a number - the recipient has to be in your phone book to receive a text... Bollocks!

2) The other week I cycled past a minefield. I had my phone on me but no camera... OK, I got the picture in the end, but it involved getting home, grabbing the camera and cycling back to get the shot for you lot ;)

3) The joy of text. Or rather not. The V50 is a pig to type msgs on, doesn't always give me a buzz to let me know when a msg trns up and has been sending me random, already received msgs and making me ask people if, what, when and why they sent me stuff I already got when they didn't... weird non?

So that was it, yesterday the V50 got replaced buy a super sexy Motorola V635 - metal casing, bluetooth, 1.2M camera, MP3 player, quad band, 16Mb flash memory (upgradeable to 256Mb), bluetooth headset, headphones, data cable and all manner of other gizmos and features. It just doesn't have a teleporter, time travel facility or x-ray camera... rats!

Now all I gotta do is suss out how to get my mates photos off the PC hardrive and into the phone book... and see who gets my "new phone cherry"...

Time to go feed the Ducks

Hope my car's OK, left it at the pub last night. It's a couple of miles away so gotta cycle there and chuck the BMX in the boot/ trunk/ concert hall/ gaping chasm behind the tailgate, whatever. They shouldn't clamp or tow 'round there, that'd be well mean. Time to find out...

So...

I might go feed the ducks on the way...

...but then everything's fresh round here so maybe the ducks'll just have to go hungry :D

Poor ducks

Ho hum.

Come back here, I'll f**king have you...

Saturday. Midnight. I'd just put the phone down. That's it, time for bed.

Outside there's a mighty BANG, so I go to check it out.

There's 3 lads running down the road and a bottle of beer fizzing away on the neighbour's lawn; so I quickly go to check the cars.

Both of my motors are OK but my housemate's has a fresh dent in the tailgate. Don't ask me why, but for some reason I had golf ball in my hand - I launched it at the head of the last of the fleeing w*nkers, and... and... Bollocks! Missed!


Good God, I must look *really* frightening in a white army PT vest and boxers and not exactly prepared for a hot pursuit... and with more bottles smashed on the road I ran in to grab... strides, footwear, keys, phone, cuddly toy...

I call the cops and leg it after the little b*st*rds but they're out of sight.

I search most of the neighbourhood, but no joy.

The cops turn up, they grab the bottle for evidence, take a statement and leave me to it.

So I go off again for another look. I clock this lad, about 17, wobbling, pissed, looks like one of the same bunch... he doesn't spot me so I tail him up the road. At a street corner he turns and sees me, about 50 yards away, and continues 'round the corner, out of sight for a now... I LEG IT, get to the corner... he's gone. Totally disappeared.

Bollocks! Again.

2am, time for bed. No, really.