It's FiLTHY, I'm tellin' ya...

Amidst all of yesterday's happenings it started at 5:30pm... We were biking at 6:30pm so I had to

a) Wake Up
b) Get my bike stuff in the car
c) Eat

All 3 tasks were achieved fairly well, with the exception of

a) my body was awake but my head did not follow... infact I think body was on autopilot, so it was quite possibly a case of somnambulism...

c) Porridge (not just oatmeal) was the best dinner in the house. HOT porridge covered in thick chunks of roughly cast moscavado (dark brown) sugar, and cool, cool condensed milk... oh the heavenly contrast twixt hot & cold, all topped off with the sweet hit of unrefined sugar...

I hooked up with the lads and we did a 3 hour jaunt round Sophie & Edward's "back garden" (on first name terms ya know) with 2 major events in that timeline

1) Me "whiting out" - lack of serious food and possible dehydration meant I was gonna hurl about 20 mins into the ride

2) Falling off at the bottom of a descent of treacherous soil conditions and tree roots in near darkness and into a cosy bed of ferns...

A trip to the pub, a couple of refreshing pints of cider and two bags of crisps (Including a packet of "Salty Dog" brand potato chips...?) sorted me out... but the drive home I was STiLL hungry...

Luckily Le Supermarché is on the way back to my pad. So I did it. I was overcome with carnal cravings, I had to have one, I didn't care... I got... I got...

Into Tesco, grabbed the offending article and a 4-pack of macaroni cheese... I joined the queue but was directed to the self-service booths where I scanned the barcodes myself and put money in the slot, walking home with...

THE SLAG OF ALL SNACKS - POT NOODLE. Now, I don't normally eat this kind of thing - it's a typical piss-heads, after a night out on the razz, I'm a student an I can't afford to eat properly kind of snack/thing... food it is not, but my body required slimy noodles and dehydrated peas with HOT sauce before bed...

So I'm sorry, I won't do it again. I don't know what came over me...

Day 7: Groundhog day

Thank god I didn't wake up in England. It was great to have one more day in the US and happening to re-arrange my flight from 11:10pm Sunday to 11:10pm Monday was a cool move considering there were earlier flights... now why would I want to go home so soon?

Being the end of the official holiday BBFK went off to work, leaving me to investigate this little town in Connecticut... "and just down there are the shops" she said...

That's why Americans need cheap fuel, that's why they love their automobiles, that's why their sidewalks are in such a state of disrepair, even in the most expensive states in the States... "just down there" was bloody miles away...

We enjoyed a fine lunch together before BBFK dropped me off in the next town for some more browsing... and all I can say is that I love the proximity and variety of even just my local shops here in England... that is if I want a carpet, plumbing supplies, a flutter on the horses, booze, a haircut, a curry (or two), a pizza, petfood & fishing tackle, chips, a Chinese, some medication, newspapers, send parcels to my favourite people, pay my DVD rental, and the pub... oh...

I digress...

Yeah, we had another day together and it was Goooood (finest Jim Carey impression there, did ya see it?)

So. Finish work. Go to JFK. Get food, drink beer (thankyou babe) say farewell, I'll see you soon...

I love planes when they're going somewhere.
I hate planes when they're coming back...

I did miss England and I am glad to be back... only I seem to have left some people behind...

Day 6: Comedown

Ah, the morning after...

...hitting the bar at the hotel the night before.

S'OK we weren't too pissed or anything. All we had to do was get up, have a big American breakfast, say our goodbyes and hit the road.

Driving back to New York was not a nice feeling I can tell you... so this is it... 6 hours in the car, hang about at JFK for 3 hours then onto a plane for another 6 hours... the distance widening again between BBFK & Lever...

The traffic was shit. Tailbacks 60 miles from the big apple and continuing for miles and hours... then it started to get dark... there was this overwhelming feeling of me missing my plane, of being late in to work tomorrow morning... and then it happened.

Tappan Zee bridge, about a mile out...

GRiDLoCK

OK, no grids, but the traffic came to a complete standstill and stayed like that for 2 hours. Being nosey I overheard a truck driver saying there was a car fire on the bridge. I called the airline; if I wasn't in JFK by 10 o'clock, that was it...

By ten, the traffic started to move again...

So, I relaxed. BBK relaxed.
"Home, girl..."

Back up the i95, back to CT, back to BBFK's place...

...sometimes I absolutely LOVE being late.

Day 5: The Big Day

Get up, get dressed, get out... BBFK had to go get a hairdo & make-over whilst Mr Lever esq. took the lazy option and went for a stroll around Rochester beach et. al.

Once I got back to the hotel it became rather hectic... shirt, tie, strides, ironing etc, get to the church for the marriage of BBFK's sister... everything went swimmingly, even with the screech of car tyres outside during the service... then outside in the humid heat of Rochester, the limo failed to show... it had broken down, so they sent a mini-bus... and once it stopped outside the church... it wouldn't start. So Mr Bumblefuck, the father of the bride, had to jumpstart it. *shakes head*

Photos, lots of photos, then off to the reception, good food, drinks aplenty and eventually dancing the night away, well OK, maybe not in my shoes...

Thanks to BBFK's sister & her new hubby for the excuse to party, to G for the Tom Collins that the bar wouldn't serve, to D for "dropping one" stealthily and hoping everyone would think it was me, to BBFK for the Yuengling (thanks babe *kiss*), to Xena Warrior Princess for doing *that* dance without the aid of a pole, to T for ripping up the dance floor and to all the Bumblefucks... lovely family :)

Right, let's get this bridesmaid home and see how hot her undies are...

Day 4: Cream Crackered

Waking up in the 3rd place in the States in so many days... some nice cosy hotel BBFK picked...
We were so shattered from 3 days of rushing around that we decided to stay in bed for most of the morning... OK, well into the afternoon...

We also hit the mall, had a nice pre-wedding dinner in sight of Lake Ontario and hit the town at some ungodly hour again...

...but for the most part... slumbered...

Day 3: Polar Bear Borscht

So BBFK goes off to have some beauty treatment for her sister's wedding (like she really needs it) and her dad takes me and baby BFK to Seneca Park Zoo; yeah. yeah I know, keeping the kids entertained huh? :p

It was good fun, trying to stay cool in the blistering heat and supping iced tea for the first time... Noel turned into a Polar Bear, then tried to chase a butterfly away that landed on my finger, whilst a crowd of random spectators gathered round to attend Lever's "Doolittle" technique (so that's how you wowed BBFK huh?) then we met a stuffed Polar Bear (in the enclosure next to the seals...?), after which we had success in Finding Nemo before heading back to the picnic area where Baby BFK spent most of the time chasing Sparrows...

Later on BBFK took me down to Wegmans for some o' that USA shopping experience... we could buy beer, alcopops and tonic water but not wine or gin??? So we ambled off for a random conversation with some lady about Kool Aid, and ended up having more random chats with the checkout staff and some guy that was behind us in the queue... Why does that always happen when the Lever & BBFK sphere of influence is on a roll...?

The evening's entertainment kicked off with dinner at a Ukranian restaurant... Very nice indeed; I could definitely survive on a diet of Borscht & Perogies (my thanks once again to the Bumblefucks) before we shot off to Rochester Airport to pick up more Bumblefucks, then hit the town to hook up with some more of the family and their friends...

Ultimately I was so shattered I fell asleep in the car by the time we came home (about 3 in the morning)... what a busy old day...

USA Note #6: Why do so many American bartenders try so damn hard to be cool all the time? The chimp at our bar dropped all my change on the floor AND spilled drinks!
USA Note #7: Why must American uniformed cops hang around bars at "kicking out time" doing Hollywood poses? They looked more like the frigging Village People!
USA Note #8: Why does BBFK have a book on Pre-calculus in the trunk of her car? Must I try match her intellectual skills by casually dropping a tome of Hypertext PreProcessor in the boot of my station wagon?

Day 2: Meet the Bumblefucks

Waking up in a strange place is one thing, but waking up in a strange country is something else. Norwalk, Connecticut, timber-clad New England houses, Stars & Stripes outside most every house... a far cry from Old England and my own brick-built home, no flags though...

But it's all exciting nonetheless...

She gets me up to home-baked scones, English tea and meeting BBFK's mini-me (morning Noel) making Mr Potato Head, dressing up as a fireman, watching Toy Story... WTF is going on? In a Big Country but immersed in the world of the little people...

Then I'm bundled into a car, sitting in the place where the steering wheel should be... the same place where I was dozing last night, racing along the Interstate 95, in darkness... now it's light it's even more strange and we zip past the Jesus Deli and road trip to Rochester...

Connecticut is nice... all trees and winding roads... opening up into New York state, a place of incredible hills... there's places in the UK I thought were remote, but this is just amazing... I've decided that sometimes I don't like to be too far from civilisation...



Conversation of the day was...

Noel: I wanna go pee
Lever: Well, we gotta wait to find somewhere, we'll stop there
Noel: I don't wanna stop somewhere
Lever: Well, then we'll have to stop nowhere and that won't be very cool, will it?

We stopped in Syracuse (first time in 25 years for me...) and then hit Rochester, New York... Lever met the Bumblefucks, watched a game of soccer, went out to the diner, delivered the best English tea & chocolate to the Bumblefucks, marvelled at lightning crackling in the sky up north, over Lake Ontario and hit a cheap hotel instead of being in Niagara as we'd originally planned... (Steve, Irena, we'll catch you next time, OK?) We got a cheap hotel complete with camp receptionist...

Camp Guy: So is that Mr. Bumblefuck or Mrs. Lever? Haha
Lever: Whatever!

It's easy to get carried away when life's this good...

USA Note #4: Soccer is remarkably like football
USA Note #5: The water level in American Standard toilets is so high you can't help but... ah, it doesn't matter.

Day 1: The Big Apple

Leaving the cool space of JFK Airport launched one comfortable Lever into the sweltering 90° heat of a July NY City day... but where oh where was BBFK? S'OK she was still on her way... absolutely classic BBFK (Quote: "In fact, you can pretty much guarantee that I'll be 10 minutes late to anything that I need to arrive to, regardless of how important it is to be on time. I'm very reliably 10 minutes late.") And she was... exactly 10 minutes late :)

After leaving my kit in the car (mate) and us giving the old trolley-collector guy some excitement with a rendition of our "I've missed you" routine, we hit the Skytrain then cruised the subway into NYC, stepping out into a world of skyscrapers, yellow cabs, big trucks, V8s, noise, smell - all the stereotypical and totally true sounds of the NY city... and street corner vendors - kanishes, hot dogs, ice creams... ah, Snapple - one thirsty Lever + an ice cold litre of Snapple = stomach cramps in Central Park LOL

• NYC note #1: New York drivers... Mad, aggressive and boy, do they like their horns
  
• NYC note #2: Despite the above, Brit roadcrossing technique is better than that of the natives...

OK, so we saw the gates to the Central Park Zoo before strolling 'round and off to Grand Central Station, seeing the Chrysler building in the flesh (er... stone?) then hitting China town for some much-needed chow and over-indulgent chicken noodle soup action (go on, ask BBFK where most of her soup ended up...)

At last, Lever got to try bubbletea and then, not forgetting the duties of an originating Anglo Saxon, we went in search of beer... ending up in the Italian quarter and chatting to this random Canadian girl who worked for Louis Vuitton and even asked me the way to the Subway from the bar we were at...

• NYC note #3: Lever had only been in NYC for like 6 hours, so why did people keep asking him for directions to the subway (that was incidence #2)

So... Empire State Building next for a bit of nighttime skyline at 10:30pm... with a 90 minute wait to hit the top... but it was worth it...



Ooops, sorry, wrong photo... ;) LOL



And then it was off to Connecticut... I like being up for 26 hours... you should give it a go sometime :)

Twice in such a short space of time...

So Rebekah hit me with this... and I responded.

Then Tescosuicide got me... and once again I honour my duties... Cheers dude :)

• NUMBER OF BOOKS OWNED: Hmm... No idea... there's fiction, reference, technical manuals, old magazines, stuff that was bought but never got round to... not including the mags there's hundreds of books... maybe over a thousand at a guess... dunno, anyone wanna help me count 'em? Or maybe some o' them need to go on eBay...
  
  
• LAST BOOK BOUGHT: Ummm... "the mind gym: wake up your mind"... bought it and stashed it on the shelf for a later date... basically too busy to read it right now...
  
  
• LAST BOOK READ: Still hacking my way through "Joe Strummer and the Legend of the Clash by Kris Needs. Excellent book and makes you realise how much you miss something when it's gone... He's definately risen in the personal list of all time heroes.
  
  
• FIVE BOOKS THAT MEAN A LOT TO ME:
  
  1) Obviously JRR Tolkiens's "Lord of the Rings" is a top tome - No matter how good Peter Jackson's films were/are nothing will ever beat what Tolkien's words do for stirring a youngsters imagination... so I'll squeeze in "The Hobbit" here too...
  
  2) "The Devil in the White City" is an interesting choice because I haven't yet read it... but this book means a lot to me because of who bought it for me :) For that reason it is straight on this special list ;)
  
  3) "The Good Beer Guide" is essential reading for travelling Brit land. Next time you go out somewhere in Britain, have a copy of this with you... it's got all the real gems of British pub life in it and the ones that serve decent pints of pukka ale... proper pubs not these trendy places where the guys aswell as the girls are drinking alcopops...
  
  4) Back on the fantasy trail I'd recommend anything by Michael Moorcock... His Elric of Melnibone series is great as is his Corum series... And somebody says there's to be an Elric film...
  
  5) Sun Tzu's "The Art of War" is the original book of strategic wisdom dating back some 2500 years... The bookmark for this ever present manual of clear thinking is, quite apropriately, the postcard/invite from the premiere of the film Hero...

The five people I am tagging: Oh jeez... does one have to? OK, OK... let's see if these people wanna play... :)

1. Baka No Jutsu
2. Davinian
3. Eat Your Carrots
4. Keeefer
5. Red
   

Conspiracy Theory Numero Un

It was the French, they did it...

• London pipped them to post in the 2012 Olympic bid
• Tony Blair won't give back Britain's £35billion EU "rebate"
• They have over 23% of EU Agricultural handouts AND we know about it.
• I wouldn't put it past anyone who eats horses, frogs legs and snails.
• They've always hated us.
• They still remember Agincourt
• And Waterloo
• We're all cool, and that sounds like their word for arse
  
• They're French

Am I right or am I right?

London Blasts

I get an email from a friend who's working in London this week and she says it's OK, she's alright but the mobile network is not working in London right now... and that "despite the explosions and mild panic setting in"... WTF?

So I turn on the TV and lo and behold... bomb blasts in London. And on the BBC website too...

Well... that's nice... me and some buddies are supposed to be going to London tonight but the tube has been hit... selfish terrorist MOFOs... they're just SO damn inconsiderate. Killing people, injuring innocents, destroying transport and disrupting services...

Late Night Shopping

It's a cold night so why did I fancy a G&T on ice and not the half bottle of blood temperature French red Chateau Mixamatosis that's waiting seductively for me in the kitchen...?

But anyways... yeah... observations of... late night shopping...

• ...doesn't work at Sainsbury's because the place shut at 11pm. I only found out when I got there and the portcullis was down...


• ...meant I had to drive to Tesco


• The guy in the Subaru failed to shake me off 'cos he didn't realise that I got one too Haha F*cker!


• "We're Open 24 hours" was very welcoming


• Tesco didn't have any cycling magazines apart from "MBR". Now how am I gonna read about Le Tour de France?


• "Carp Talk" is probably quite an interesting magazine... if you're into that sort of thing...


• Tesco seemed quite a cool place to work in at 11:30pm...


• Though on a cold night I detest going down the aisle with the chiller cabinets...
  


• They had the radio on... LOUD yeah!


• But the music was sh*t...


• When will the UK become more of a rock/ punk/ indie/ dub/ reggae/ ambient/ trance nation?


• I got the feeling Tesco have a "you shouldn't be here, but we'll let you shop around us whilst we're working attitude" Nice


• I only wanted Tonic Water for my G&T, so why did I come home with crystalised stem ginger and fairtrade organic chocolate too? (Green & Black's... White & Maya Gold)


• And why does Tonic Water go flat so quickly?


• The multi-cultural workforce was great fun...


• ...except the girl at the checkout with her sense of humour bypass


• Empty car parks are fun - you can park in disbled bays,cut corners, drive the wrong way down one way... *laughing*


• The broken bulb on the traffic light flickered to the beat of Underworld's "Jumbo"


• The twat in the Peugeot 106 must understand that station wagons really can piss all over them
  
  
• I just love the sound of a turbocharger :D
  


• The LED brake lamps on the Peugeot coupe were bright... their image still burns the back of my retinas...
  
  
• I had one G&T and fell asleep...
  

She gave me a beautiful Van Gogh

And by her own fair hand nonetheless...

"The Starry Night" 1889. Oil Canvas. The Museum of Modern Art, New York.

Thanks, my Becky XXX :)

Got Tagged...

Whoah... Just got tagged by Rebekah :) And if you wanna know who gets it next, scroll down to the foot of this post... :D

THE QUESTION: Imagine that a local philanthropist is hosting an event for local high school students and has asked you to pick out five to ten books to hand out as door prizes. At least one book should be funny and at least one book should provide some history of Western Civilization and at least one book should have some regional connection. The philanthropist doesn't like foul language (but will allow some four-letter words in context, such as expressed during battle by soldiers). Otherwise things are pretty wide open. What do you pick?

OK, here goes...

FUNNY: It just has to be Jon Ronson's The Men Who Stared at Goats... seriously. No, I mean, funnily... The book focuses on a US military Special Ops unit formed back in the 1970s and details their special (attempted/alleged) abilities of being able to kill goats by staring at them and leading on to the modern day practices of torturing non-combatant prisoners (think Iraq, Afghanistan, Guantanamo Bay...) the theme tune to Barney - yes, the purple dinosaur, no less :S

It makes you wonder if "choking on a pretzel" is part of some new assassination technique...

HISTORY OF WESTERN CIVILISATION: Now this may be a bit of a bizarre and tenuous choice, but bear with me on this... it's Brian Bates' The Way of Wyrd - It's a fiction based on historical texts and is a snapshot of pre-Christian British culture. So it's our forgotten Anglo Saxon heritage as purged from the minds of ancient British people by the "emissaries of God" sent here to document our ways and find paths to the goal of our ancestors' ultimate conversion...

It reminds us that the west once had it's own philosophy of balance, similar to that of the eastern yin-yang in our fire & ice, sun & moon polarities...

REGIONAL CONNECTION: OK, this is a toughie... OK, first thing that comes to mind... Stephen King's The Tommyknockers... now I'm not a King fan and I only ever read Misery, which was actually quite good... but the reason for my choice is this...

When I was at college a friend read The Tommyknockers and pointed out a line that read something like "the sleepy Hampshire town of Fleet" which was, at the time, where I lived - it's just 3 miles away from Farnborough. As kids we used to go past this creepy old house with leaded windows and a rumoured chequer-board style hallway and grand sweeping staircase. And that's apparently where Mr. King stayed when he once lived in England for a year... so there you go!

BOOK FOUR: Has to be Julian May's first installment in the Saga of the Exiles... The Many Coloured Land. I read it when I was just 10 years old and it's an extremely intelligent sci-fi/fantasy novel with brilliant historical, geographical and philosophical values interwoven into its lavish literal tapestry; a flag-waving standard for female writers and the first of a series of a most fascinating story about travellers back in time to an age where man was starting to rule the earth... with some very interesting twists...

BOOK FIVE: OK, so I'm neither classically trained nor educated in nuffink but the school of hard knocks, so this may come as a surprise... but the fifth book is Robert D Kaplan's Warrior Politics, suitably sub-titled "Why Leadership Demands a Pagan Ethos". It's a fascinating skim through history, politics and the ideals of leadership and is an utterly thought-provoking little tome, whether one agrees with it's content and direction or not... This literary gem also doubles up as being the back-up vehicle for the history of western civilisation role.

WHO'S NEXT?: OK, so Lever goes off and tags, and is looking forward to some great responses from these beautiful people...

• My girl BBFK
• Brom-man
• Johnny Crash