Mao-ning about the Citroen Ad

The French carmaker Citroen has just pulled the plug on a full-page ad it placed in a number of Spanish newspapers because it features a scowling caricature of Chairman Mao.

Citroen apologized for the ad and admitted it was "inappropriate" after some members of the Chinese public mao-ned that the ad apparently insulted Mao, the WHOLE Chinese nation and purportedly "hurt their national pride".

For fuck's sake, people, LIGHTEN UP. There seems to be a huge global SENSE OF HUMOUR BYPASS that's getting out of control where people get so incredibly upset when you just have a *bit* of a laugh!

Oh look, Maggie Thatcher as Hanibal Lecter, the Queen with a safety-pin (ala Sex Pistols)... who cares?!

I now expect a barrage of abuse from the Chinese, Thatcherites, Royalists and the French for not putting a silly umlaut/accent thingy over Citroen's letter 'e'.

Victoria Beckham looks like...

Ever since "Posh" Spice married David Beckham and shed the few remaining pounds she had that made her curvy and feminine, I've thought her to be a narcissistic stick, obsessed only with the shallow desires of celebrity status and the easy money that being so far up your own arse brings.

Take for instance the "wedding of the year" when they sold their pics to that epitome of superficiality, the gutter press photo magazine "Hello" with her and David sitting on thrones. Who do they think they are, royalty?

Then there's the naming of their first child Brooklyn... I bet he was conceived in Peckham in London and if he was REALLY conceived in New York I bet they even got that wrong and it was actually Queens ;)

And Romeo... the poor bugger, what sort of dumbass calls their kid Romeo? OK, don't answer that...

Well my point is that I still think David Beckham is thicker than two short planks but at least had the noodle to try out a dish with more meat on it and Victoria Beckham is just... well, a talentless waste of space, and being the hypocrite I can be at times I'm wasting my time & typing fingers on giving her name valuable webspace.

But this made me chuckle today... It's now 2008, the National Year of Reading and the BBC bought to my attention the fact that apparently Victoria Beckham has never read a book. Well that figures. She's dumb, vacuous and she's never read a book but 10 out of 10 for making a career out of no talent and no intelligence.

But what really made me laugh in that BBC report was the photo, accredited to Getty Images - the stupid bint is obviously in pose mode, having tarted herself up with a trendy haircut and those stupid bugeye glasses that are all the rage amongst people who wear those stupidly huge glasses. And to top-off her look are the silly glossy lips (hey look, I spilled varnish on my pout) and bad skin (look at the lunar craters on her forehead due south of the mer de stupidity) but worse, much worse than this...

...she thinks she looks good and I think she looks like Andy Warhol.

The Great JAM conspiracy

Becky bought a big fat bag of JAM doughnuts, which she insisted were Jelly Doughnuts, but they weren't because the bag specifically said JAM on it.

Anyways, the point is that I had one "jam" doughnut on Wednesday with no JAM in it and a second one yesterday, again with NO JAM in it. That's two "jam" doughnuts with NO JAM. And no Jelly neither :p

Anyway, Jelly wobbles, Jam doesn't.

So for those of you who don't know me on Facebook, that's what's been happening, man.

Kick out the Jams!

Thanks a bunch

Firstly I'd like to say a belated "thanks a bunch" to the Bulldog Twyford Subaru Garage.

You see, when I booked my old Subaru Legacy in for some work back in January, I didn't expect the response to "I have an annoyingly loud tapping sound from the engine" to be "Well, it has done over 120,000 miles!"

I am not a qualified mechanic but even I knew it was a sticking hydraulic lifter. The Subaru garage's recommended remedy to this was an oil change and even after the oil change the knocking sound still persisted. I figured that because a Subaru garage couldn't fix this then nobody could.

***

And here I am, six months later... I only wanted a CV gaiter replaced on my 1994 Subaru Legacy so I went to my friend's nearby garage and asked if he could this job and, oh by the way, could he change the oil again please?

I actually suggested to him to run the car for 5-10 minutes until the engine was warm enough for the noise of the hydraulic lifter to die down a bit, thus allowing the engine flush to be able to penetrate the lifters. Then to give it an engine flush, which, for those of you who may not be familiar, is to run the engine with half a litre of hardcore industrial cleaner in it for a further 10 minutes. (This gets rid of all the crap in the oil system, including the gummed up oily deposits which I reckon was the cause of the malfunctioning hydraulic lifters.) Finally to drain the oil, fit a new oil filter and add new engine oil, as you do in a regular oil change.

My friend agreed that this all sounded like a perfect plan, so he did the job to the letter and now my engine doesn't rattle as it did for the last half a year; so to the Subaru garage I say...

"Thanks a bunch"

And today, with my car requiring further work, I was given a courtesy car by my friend's garage because they couldn't finish the job by the time I called to collect my motor.

When seeing the courtesy car one of my neighbours said "It's hardly a courtesy, is it?" which was echoed later on by another neighbour. And by that they meant that they too were disappointed at the... Proton 1.3GE Triple Valve.

Yeah, yeah, it's only done 48,000 miles since 1993, and yeah, yeah, it's had just one lady owner, and yeah, yeah, it was free and better than walking...

Actually, no it wasn't, I take that back. So to my mate and his garage...

"Thanks a bunch"

Bloody horrible little car... I'm too embarrassed to drive it... give me back my Subaru.

You've recevied a greeting card from

• a Class-mate!
• a Family member!
• a Friend!
• a Mate!
• a School friend!
• a School mate!
• a Colleague!
• a Worshipper!
• a Neighbour!
• a Partner!

God, I'm popular!

Spam is like fashion - loads and loads of the same old crap until the next "in" thing comes along.

Donny Tourette = Fake Punk

I was watching a repeat episode of "Never Mind the Buzzcocks" tonight and for those of you who don't know it's a brilliant British musical quizz/comedy show, or at least it was in the days of the acid-witted Mark Lamarr.

One of tonight's guests was some bloke introduced as Donny Tourette, "punk" and front man of the band "Towers of London". Now I'm usually a pretty damn good judge of character and this geezer instantly struck me as being a sham. He had this air about him, like he was playing up to the audience, pretending to be a bad boy for the cameras, sneering, and yet never quite convincing enough that he was for real.

Well, I wasn't the only one - the members of the show latched-on to the same vein and started taking the piss too. At one stage Donny Tourette, a name strangely reminiscent of Jonny Rotten or Sid Vicious, had walked away from the stage, probably for a slash. He came back and later started smoking a cigarette, to which the compère, Simon twatty whateverisnameis, said something along the lines of "Ooh, smoking! Whatever next?"

Yeah, rock and fucking roll, Donny, you're such a bad boy. And Donny? Is that short for Donald? Donald Tourette? No. His real name's Patrick Bunnyhop or something like that. Twat.

Just to prove Donny Tourette's "I'm a punk, honest" credentials, the show even played some footage of him having some sort of outburst on a documentary where he toed the "Do you know who we are?" line and came out with the fabulous quote "We dick on the Sex Pistols" Well, Donny, the Pistols were manufactured but at least they were more real than you mate, and much as I admire John Lydon I wouldn't put my dick on him, you fucking idiot.

Now just to prove I'm not just being a bitch, you might wanna check out Donny Tourette, Not Quite A Bad Boy! You've just gotta love the quotes from his former college drama teacher, like;

"The Patrick that I saw on the opening night of Celebrity Big Brother is not the Patrick I know. He was an extremely polite, well mannered boy who would always go out of his way to help others."

Yeah, punk rock, Donny! Or there's the old friend who said;

“He used to be clean-cut and a nice guy. He wasn’t the cursing, arrogant type at all. I couldn’t believe that was the same person I saw on Big Brother because he would never swear. He was really well spoken, a proper posh boy.”

Oi mate, you're fucking rumbled!

Now, to finish off check the video of Donald Patrick Bunnyhop Tourettes falling over and then roll on the floor at the comments, particularly the ones of "blah blah I'm a REAL Punk" Makes me fucking laugh that does... Unemployed, depressed & disillusioned? No future in late 1970s England have you? No? Then fuck off!

Real/Fake... Ironic isn't it?

Punk is Dead. Long Live Punk!

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